30 things to make you smile
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn\'t.
2.. I don\'t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it\'s illegal to kill
them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don\'t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7.. You\'re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I\'m not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why the heck is the room spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being \"over the hill\" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs. A day\'s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there\'s no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don\'t know what the hell is going on.
Abbott and Costello in the Year 2005
You sort of have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on. For those who dont, you are too young anyway.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who\'s on First, might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I\'m setting up an office in my den and I\'m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name\'s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don\'t own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name\'s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don\'t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT:Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let\'s just say I\'m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue \"W\".
COSTELLO: I\'m going to click your blue \"w\" if you don\'t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT:Real One.
COSTELLO: If it\'s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I\'m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue \"1\".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue \"1\".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT:The blue \"1\" is Real One and the blue \"W\" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in office for windows!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it\'s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren\'t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn\'t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don\'t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That\'s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What\'s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT:One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn\'t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on \"START\".......
Real Users
Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn\'t deliver it.
Real users never use the Help key.
Real users never stop asking new options.
Real users never know what to do with new options.
