نكت وطرائف ونوادر - Funny stories and Jokes

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30 things to make you smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn\'t.

2.. I don\'t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it\'s illegal to kill
them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don\'t take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7.. You\'re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I\'m not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why the heck is the room spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being \"over the hill\" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs. A day\'s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there\'s no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don\'t know what the hell is going on.


Old Computer Terms, Part 1

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in \"Our son\'s computer cost quite a bit.\"

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.

CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR: What you turn into when you can\'t get your computer to perform, as in \"You $#% computer!\"

DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seventeen hours at a clip.

DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to \"just look.\"

EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

واحد دخل مجمع استهلاكى وسأل عن الفراخ فساله الموظف عايز فراخ صاحيه ولاّ مدبوحه؟؟ قال مدبوحه ، قال له اطلع الدور الثانى.......طلع وسأل عن الفراخ المدبوحه فقال الموظف عايزها مقطعة ولاّ صحيحة ؟؟ فقال له مقطعه ، قال له اطلع الدور الثالث ..... وقابل موظف اخر وسأله عن الفراخ المدبوحة ومقطعه فقال له عايزها متكيسة ولاّ لأ ؟؟ قال له متكيسة فقال له اطلع الدور الرابع ..... طلع الدور الرابع وقابل موظف اخر وقال له عايز فراخ مدبوحة ومقطعه ومكيسة فرد الموظف وقال له مافيش فراخ بس ايه رأيك فى النظام.

كان القائد المشهور بالقسوة يستعرض جنوده فوقف أمام جندي وسأله: ما اسمك فقال : عبد الجبار يا سيدي. وما الذي تمسك به؟ فاجاب بندقيتي يا سيدي، فرد عليه : ليست بندقيتك بل هي زوجتك وعرضك وشرفك ثم انتقل الى الجندي الذي يليه : ما اسمك ؟ كامل يا سيدي .وما هذا الذي تمسك به؟ فأجاب : زوجة عبد الجبار يا سيدي

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عالم النكت والطرائف - كافة الحقوق محفوظة 2008